I’ve been bitten on my boob. No this isn’t a knock-off of 50 shades of grey, I’m a nursing momma who let me tell you has just begun the weaning process! Ouch. She’ll be ten months in another couple of weeks, I am hoping to have her weaned by then. I don’t know who is having a harder time stopping me or her! It’s a comfort for her, I say. Well, it is and it is also a comfort for me. My baby needs me now in a way she will never need me again. The way she cuddles so close, with one tiny hand on my neck or reaching for my hair, and the way her head bobs like she’s nodding when she eats. Soooo cute. Once this stops, it’s all growing up and bad haircuts and boys I don’t approve of and sneaking out at midnight. I realize I may be getting ahead of myself a TEENSY bit. But not by much. Life happens so fast sometimes I just want to hit the pause button. SLAM. Everything stops, just for a second, so I can soak in the picture of the baby falling asleep as she feeds.
Truth is it has taken me a week just to get rid of the noon feeding. I’ve been working on the three pm feeding without much success. I’m so sore by 5pm I feed her even if she would have taken a bottle. She takes the bottle at the noon feeding like a champ but doesn’t have much at the 3pm feeding. Since I’ve been nursing I don’t know how much is normal. Is she not drinking a lot because she wants to nurse or because I didn’t have much to give her at the 3pm feeding anyway? There are no set guidelines for this, no black and white items I can check off the list. WHY ISN’T RAISING A HUMAN EASIER? Why aren’t there safe little checklists? Why are there instruction manuals for my hair dryer but not for my baby? Why do I need a license to drive my car but not to take care of a child!? Shouldn’t someone at least have checked my eyesight? (Can you SEE the baby Mrs Yeh?).
Can’t I just let her nurse FOREVER? And yet….and yet it is nice to be able to have a second cup of tea and not worry. To be able to take a decongestant if I am stuffy and not worry. To not worry, for a little, that I didn’t eat healthy food for every meal. Not to mention, margarita’s for lunch anyone!? Ha, ha, ha. (Ahem…)
To leave the house and not have to be back in an hour or so to nurse her. I could leave the house WITHOUT my little bundle of joy and have a massage AND lunch out and not feel guilty. It means more freedom. FREE——EEEE——DOM. It means Bill can get up with her for her nighttime feeding and I can SLEEP through the WHOLE NIGHT!!! I’ve forgotten what that feels like. Won’t that be AMAZING?
Life is never one thing or the other. It’s hardly ever pure joy or pure misery. It’s often a messy mix of both. I’m not sure I would ever want to change that. The shadows, sad as they are, give depth to the painting of my life. They bring out the singing, zinging shafts of joy that pierce my heart from time to time. Like a baby, falling asleep on my lap as she nurses.