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Monday, June 08, 2015

I Choose Awesomeness, or, at least the POSSIBILITY of awesomeness.

Possibilities.  Life is full of infinite possibilities.  Left, or right?  Frosted chocolate-y O’s or shredded wheat?  Some choices are obvious (frosted chocolate-y O’s).  Some choices give you an immediate result.  (Sugar high, blissful sugar high!)  Some choices take years to uncover the consequences and sometimes we never find out at all if we made a good choice.  How’s that for a peppy Monday morning blog?  Monday’s are actually my favorite day.  The whole WEEK stretches before us where anything AMAZING could happen.  WHOOOOT!

What the heck am I babbling about you may ask?  I’m talking about life being infinitely mysterious and often overwhelming.  The myriad of choices we make everyday is dizzying.  And yet our lives are guided, for the most part, by what we’ve done before.  It’s guided by freewill sure but our freewill we exerted in the past.  It’s by habit, by choices we’ve weighed and decided long ago so that now we can be a functioning adult.  Can you imagine if you had to weigh the pros and cons every time you needed to eat breakfast?  Or get dressed for the day?  To bring lunch or eat out?  What to EAT at lunch…  (I think I’m getting hungry).  Mmmm french toast covered in Canadian maple syrup... 

I digress.  All of this has been reinforced to me lately because of all the upheaval of a major move across multiple state lines.  We’re staying at a friend of Mimi’s (Bill’s sister) in Arlington until Wednesday when we fly to the moon, ah, I mean Texas.  It’s a tiny one-person apartment up three flights of loooong stairs.  Everything here is different.  I have to be much quieter, but it’s nice.

And I think it is a good thing I’m being shaken out of my routines.  I don’t want to live my life as merely an accumulation of decisions I’ve made in the past.  I want my choices to matter, I want to be conscious of them, to think about them, to make sure I am living my life in line with my current goals and dreams.  I come home, I flick on the TV out of habit.  I put Ellie down and I check my phone, again, for the upteenth time that minute.  I NEED TO STOP THE MADNESS!  I know I can live a better, more centered and careful life than this.  It’s so short.  When I think of all the hours I’ve wasted watching TV that honestly, I didn’t really enjoy in the first place, it was just what was on, it makes me mad.  MAD I TELL YOU.  

I don’t want Ellie to live an unaware life.  I don’t want her constantly distracted by media - by the TV that spends half it’s time selling stuff and the other half entertaining but surely slowly degrading our brains as well.  I don’t want her so focused on her phone, on her job, that she fails to notice the beauty around her.  The HUMANS around her.

I was in the waiting room at the doctor's office today and there was a lady sitting across from me who was obviously very important.  Who obviously THOUGHT she was very important.  She was complaining loudly on her phone to someone on the other end (who probably didn’t really care WHAT time she ambled in) that the appointment was taking too long and this is ridiculous, blah blah, blah.  Yes, you’re important.  Now sit down and shut up and let us read our stupid out of date TIME magazines in peace.  Sheesh.  Finally she walked up to the desk and began berating the receptionist about the time of the appointment (She was there fifteen minutes, same as me).  She was so busy berating them that she didn’t notice her name being called.  Finally the other receptionist pipped in, ‘Ah, is that you?  Amy G?  They’re calling your name.’  
‘Oh, yes, thanks.’
I rolled my eyes.  Asshat.  This could be her last day on earth, and she spent the morning harassing and annoying everyone within a twenty foot radius.  After the appointment I was sitting in the lobby downstairs putting Eliie’s socks back on (for the third time that morning) and she walked (stalked) out of the elevator, face stuck in her phone, totally unaware of anything or anyone else around her.  I felt like jumping up and down and making faces at her.  “BLAH BLAH BLAH!!”  I did not.  I did the mature thing.  I rolled my eyes again to myself.  (Ugh, the first time Ellie does this I’m going to kick myself for not breaking the eye-rolling habit too…)

Anyway, I really, really don’t want to be THAT woman.  I want to be present, kind, open to what the world has to show me.  It’s not all rainbows and sunshine but it IS magical, and beautiful, and funny and weird and strange and miraculous.  I just have to remember to look up from my devices long enough to notice it swirling around me.  That’s my choice today.  I choose to turn off the TV, put down my phone and really connect with the world around me.  Um, if I'm being totally honest sometimes life is boring too.  That’s why the TV is always on.  It distracts me from the boredom.  Maybe if I let myself BE bored, I might try to fill the time with FUN things.  Like going for a walk, or eating another chocolate chip cookie.  Wait, darn it, no, I will NOT fill the time with eating.  Ugh maybe I’ll just tackle that issue another day.  Today is no device day.  Tomorrow will be no over-eating day.  That’s my choice.  I choose leaving myself open for awesomeness today over mere entertainment.  Even if it does get a little boring.  And fattening, for awhile.  Wheeeeee!