Sunday, June 14, 2015
I'm a flailing Blue Whale
I’m in bed at 8:00pm. I.am.exhausted. EVERYTHING needs to be thought about. Where to go for groceries, how to get there, how to get back. Why does everything look the same!? WHERE ARE THE AVOCADO’S!? Ellie will not be happy without her daily avocado hair treatment. She gets some in her belly too, it just so happens it mostly ends up in her hair, her eyebrows, and in her ears. No high-chair so we’re using the Bumbo. Had her on the floor, realized with two dogs also on the floor food was being eaten but it wasn’t by Ellie. Bumbo now on the chair, one sharp lean to the side away from total head trauma. She must be watched every second she’s in the chair by someone close enough to catch her if she falls.
I’m not miserable. We have been blessed with great friends who have totally unselfishly opened up their home (and kitchen, and leather arm-chair - Mr John I’m so sorry Ellie drooled all over the arm!!). They’ve cooked for us every night but one, and pish-poshed Toby’s first-day jitters (he pooped in their living room…) like pro’s.
But. I am such a creature of habit. I hadn’t realized how much I LOVE my routines, my own space. Hot tea in the morning while Ellie eats cheerios (safely, in her high chair) and I play yoga music through the internet on my phone. We eat, then sit down to play in the play area while I finish my tea. She’s safe so I don’t have to watch her too closely. No steps to hurl down head first. Only Toby’s water bowl to flip over, only HIS food to stop her from eating. A morning nap, then lunch. After lunch, a putter around the city running errands or shopping. (No need for GPS or even to think about how to get there). Home, another bottle, maybe a nap, making supper while she plays at my feet with the pots. No other feet to worry about.
I was a little lonely in Virginia. I was a little isolated. But I was content for the most part. I had my books, (my book club) and Ellie, and sometimes Bill would stop working long enough to have a whole conversation with us.
Now everything is chaos, everything takes work, everything is an effort. I haven’t even mentioned the heat yet. I won’t - that’s too obvious an adjustment that needs to be made and frankly so far its not too bad. I like the heat. It’s only June.
Here I am in a new city, faced with living with someone else’s family for another 10 days, trying to get my own house ready. So many decisions to make. We bought a new washer/dryer and fridge today, will get delivered a few days before our furniture arrives. Honestly making that decision totally wiped me out. I have discovered making decisions exhausts me, totally energizes Bill. I was ready to go home and have a nap, Bill was ready to take on Washington about race inequality once and for all.
We have to pick an internet and cable or satellite provider, a landscaper, a painter, FUN stuff you say, yippie, so many decisions! What plants to plant and where and when and how deep. A few of those decisions at a time are fun, usually, even for me. But all together? Add on I’m sleeping in a strange (comfy) bed, wait, while we’re taking about the bed, it’s tried to kill me twice. It has a large wooden head and footboards that jut out beyond the mattress. I’ve only run into it twice, and hard, in the middle of the night, with a crying Ellie in my arms. When the bruise turns purple AND YOU CAN SEE IT TURNING IN THE BLACKNESS OF THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, it’s bad. One large, swollen bruise with a nice scraping of skin on the top, now with a match on my other leg. Oh, and I ran into a railing while we were walking with Ellie. One of the kids wanted to push Ellie in her stroller and of course I was watching her and not where I was going and SMUCK. Right toe partly broken, another large bruise to add to my collection. Honestly I’m dangerous enough to myself when I’m in familiar surroundings. I’m like a big blue whale, flailing about in a strange ocean, smacking my fins on anything stupid enough to be in my vicinity.
I haven’t meditated since I got here, well, only once and this is the time when I need it the most. Now more than ever I need to take the time to focus on my breathing, on myself, on the quiet and solitude that’s inside all of us no matter what’s happening around us. On the still, small, wise voice inside of us that says ‘Hey, enough with the whining and flailing. Calm down. Everything will work itself out.’ And it will. It just will. I’ll get used to where everything is, everything will get done eventually, and soon I’ll be rocking the red cowboy boots and waving my Texas flag. ‘Cuz good southern girls don’t FLAIL. Even if they are proud Canadians.
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