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Monday, November 16, 2015

TWITCHY TOUCHES HER TOES or Mom of the Here

Ever feel like your life is a roller coaster ride and you’re suspended at the top right before the big plunge?  You have time to take a deep breath, wonder why you’ve agreed to come on this ride in the first place and then your butt drops but your heart stays in your throat?  It’s exhilarating and terrifying and the view is spectacular.  Eventually your heart resumes it’s usual place in your chest and you’re reminded how you were convinced to park your butt in this grimy, plastic thrill bucket after all.  Because it’s fun.  Even when it’s NOT fun it’s rarely boring.  

Sometimes I feel like that’s my life.  

Most of the time my life feels like a Woody Allen screwball comedy where nothing much happens except a lot of fumbling and mumbling and sometimes, sometimes, some interesting chatter.

Lately I feel like my life is slowly picking up speed and I am clatter, clatter, clattering slowly to the top.  Part of the sensation is coming from the two colds I’ve had pretty much back to back lately and my inability to be able to stop and take care of myself.  Like the commercial says, mom’s don’t have sick days.  Being sick always makes me feel a little uneasy, for good reason. But, like a champ, my body took those icky germs my sweet bundle of joy passed to me and beat ‘em back like the hulk in a bad mood.  Yeah immune system!

There’s been a lot going on lately and this time of year always feels like ‘go’ time because of the holidays.  In Canada Thanksgiving is in October which is manageable but here it’s the last week of November, then Christmas 3 weeks later.  It’s a mad house in this country from Oct 30 to Jan 4 and I’m feeling the buzz.  I just read an article saying coffee is good for us again.  So I started drinking coffee again.  I’m a little twitchy.  My shoulders aren’t supposed to be up around my ears, right?  I’m supposed to have a neck, right?

I know my anxiety level is getting a little high when I start to worry about things in the middle of the night I thought of during the day but didn’t bother getting around to.  Last night I woke up at 1am and couldn’t get back to sleep until I totally emptied my night stand.  

Three times.  

I was looking for the left ear plug I had in there from when Bill was snoring so loudly.  (Have I not complained about that yet?)  Ugh...whatapainthatwas!!

Anyhoo....I had taken the right one out and put it on the dresser where Ellie couldn't get it but I couldn’t find the right one.  All day I thought about it but figured if I couldn’t find it right away then neither could Ellie.  (She can reach into my nightstand drawer) Then, at one in the morning, I suddenly KNEW that she had found the other one and had EATEN it when I wasn’t looking.  So.  Now I NEEDED to find that right ear plug or I’d lay awake all night worrying about her tiny colon.  

I emptied the drawer once, twice, finally turned on the light and emptied it all out again carefully.  I found it!  Stuck to the bottom of my dream journal (don’t be impressed it has two entries in it from two years ago..)  So happy!  So I put it on the dresser where the other one was.  And…..

The OTHER ONE IS MISSING!!!!  

At this point I recognized this for what it was…I was anxious in general and when I don’t take care of that anxiety during the day, it keeps me up at night.  I wasn’t REALLY worried about the ear plug.  The true test is when you wake up the next day, are you as worried?  

Does whatever was keeping you up need your attention right away in the morning?  If not, that wasn’t really what you’re worried about.  It’s just something your brain attached to for whatever reason.  Some deep breathing, some meditating or reading a calming (re: boring) book will do just as much good as ‘dealing’ with that issue at 1am.

So.  

I’m a little twitchy.

So.  

Angela’s remedies?  Coffee isn’t that good for me.  I’m cutting back.  I’m also going to listen to my body and my heart.  I need some alone time.  I need some yoga.  I’ve cleared the way to do a class a week.  I’m not going to feel bad about asking for some time for me.  Bill doesn’t feel bad about asking for time for himself on the weekend, and he gets 9 hours of adult time every day all week!  I’m at a bit of a disadvantage without close family nearby and I’m not perfect.  I need to acknowledge that.  And, I don’t have to be.  I’m not required to be.  Ellie doesn’t need Mom of the Year, she just needs Mom of the Here.  As in, I’m right here with you in this moment because I made sure I was fulfilled, replenished.  I can give you attention, love, patience, affection, and compassion because I also give those things to myself.  We need to remember even though we're Super Mom's, we're still human.

Namaste everyone and remember to be compassionate to yourself so you can give that compassion to the people you love.