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Sunday, January 24, 2016

HA! I guess I SHOWED YOU!

So, rejection.  You’ve heard the hype.  It can be a stepping stone or a stumbling block, it’s up to YOU….well I call BP!  Bull Pucky!

Rejection is hard and I hate it and I don’t want to feel it again.

It is especially hard for me, as a creative person, to put myself out there and then watch as I’m judged and found wanting.  OUCH.  It HURTS I tell you!!  Makes me want to curl up in a fetal position under my blankets and nurse my injured ego like a puppy with porcupine quills in it’s nose. 

I recently submitted the book I wrote to a few agents and a publisher.  One agent responded to me quickly - nope, not for her or for anyone else she knows.  But, this turned out to be a good thing actually.  In writing my query letter I realized I had some gaping holes in the story.  

Whoops.  

So I’ve been working this week on filling in the holes.  It feels good.  I feel like I’m making it better.  I have a long learning curve but it does bend toward ‘better’.  One hopes.

Eventually it will be so good no agent or publisher will be able to resist it.  And then no self-respecting book club leader would dare not offer it as their next read.  Dreams are nice aren’t they?  Even if I get hit by a bus tomorrow I had hope in my heart and that matters more than the actual fulfilling of the dream I think.  Well, maybe not, but almost.

And then today I finally scrounged together the courage to offer my services as a Kundalini teacher to my new favorite yoga studio in the Woodlands, The Woodlands Yoga Studio and….I wasn’t rejected exactly but it was more like, hey, let’s get to know you better.  

Which is also fair.  And to be honest I’m not sure Kundalini Yoga will work here in Conroe, Texas.  It is a beautiful, gentle practice that helps strengthen the nervous and immune systems and solidifies will power.  It’s great for those struggling with addiction, or for people with health or mobility issues.  But there is a component of meditation and spiritually to it, and if you aren’t a secure, open minded person some of the terms can be a little off putting.  

I like to remind anyone who hasn’t taken a Kundalini class before to remember that we’re all just talking to God, and if the term ‘God’ offends you in Texas well, you’ve got bigger problems than I can help you with, yeah?

So I’m going to take a few more classes, introduce myself around, see what happens.  I’m going to continue my home practice and continue to seek to broaden my knowledge a bit more.  

On the book front I’m editing again, fixing the holes, and when I’m done I’ll try again.

What drives me to put myself out there into the thorny world to be poked and pricked?  What pulls me from under the covers and insists I try again even though it hurts?  I wish I knew.  

Stubbornness?  Yes.  Insanity?  Probably.  All I know is, even though it hurts and sometimes I feel like I’m out here in no man’s land spinning my wheels and getting nowhere, I have to believe each set-back is only serving to draw me closer to my goal, to refine, to clarify, to make stronger.  In any case, I’m trying to succeed at the things I love to do and thankfully I don’t know any other way to live.  I wouldn't want to live without my dreams.  They make my life feel full, and make it shiny with vibrant yellow joy and deep blue hope and hard red hurt. 

Don't give me no black and white world thank you very much.  I like my colors just fine, even when it hurts.

So if anyone knows a good miracle cure for prickly thorn marks on my ego, send it my way.  I’m going to need it by the tub full.  Although luckily my ego is shrinking daily - less surface area to scratch at now, world, ha HA.  I guess I SHOWED YOU! 

Yeah.