Anne Sexton said, Live or die, but don’t poison everything.
That’s the reason I try not to use this blog as my personal ranting forum. Let’s just spew my rants to my close friends and family the way a good ranter is supposed to, yeah? That way it only hurts/annoys those who are already doomed to be in my inner circle and therefore are already looped into my particular brand of crazy and can’t get out.
Let me tell you what happened and you’ll forgive me this one public rant. Just this ONCE I promise.
So I was invited to take part in a Spanish lesson at someone's house. So I accepted said invite. Yes! I said, learning spanish for a couple hours sounds like fun. Check and check. Oh and Ellie will be there too. So.
She said NO!
Well she didn’t say no but she said NO ONE ELSE was bringing THEIR kids and hers wouldn’t be there and really her house wasn’t baby proof and wouldn’t it be too distracting? Well. Yes.
BUT I told her Ellie isn’t IN daycare and we’re kind of a package so - have fun and toodles. I didn’t SAY toodles. I wanted to. I’m saying it now. TOODLES.
And this is why:
- No one is learning Spanish in two hours.
- No one is seriously going to bring paper and pen and memorize verbs. Call it what it is, an excuse to get together during the day and pretend to be doing something productive when all you’ll REALLY be doing is talking about which book you read and which TV show is THE BEST and whose teacher is an idiot and how hard it is to find a decent red wine here.
- If you can afford to stay home during the day WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PAY FOR A NANNY/PRE-SCHOOL PRIVATE COLLEGE? (Because it isn’t DAYCARE, it’s a private college for pre-schoolers.) I wish I was kidding. And you better get into the right one. I'm not sure what happens if they don't. I'm pretty sure they don't either.
What is wrong with these people? Weirdly, I DO like most of them. Even though sometimes I look at them and realize they have completely lost touch with reality. And you know how I know I’M starting to lose touch with reality when I’m with them? That I start to feel proud that I MOP MY OWN FLOORS. That’s one step away from cra-cra town.
One thing is clear, I am NEVER going to be allowed back to my book club.
I’m probably being unfair - that’s kind of what rants are all about after all. But, is Ellie better off because I choose to spend my time with her?
Is she better off than kids whose parents both HAVE to work like most normal people? No. Will I enroll her in some sort of preschool before school? Yes. She needs to be with kids her age sometimes too. Otherwise she’s going to end up as crazy as I am. But younger.
Is she better off than the kids who can afford to have one parent stay home with them and they don’t bother to take the primary responsibility for said child? Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.
Am I better PERSON than they are? Do I love Ellie more than they love their kids? No. Probably not. It’s debatable. As someone who just spent the last week eating popcorn and streaming ‘Vikings’ on Amazon Prime while Ellie napped instead of doing ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE AT ALL…I’m thinking I shouldn’t be throwing stones. And yet…
Literally millions of moms OR dads would kill to be able to afford to stay home with their kids.
Literally millions of women would dearly love to HAVE kids and they can’t. Let alone be able to afford to have them AND stay home with them. And here you are, you have EVERYTHING. Financial abundance. Health. Security. Beautiful kids and you can’t just BE with them for a few years until they go to school?
I digress. Toby is snuggled here beside me and every time I get going with the clackety clacks and the big sighs he lifts his head an inch and glares at me.
So. Maybe it is a sacrifice to stay home with Ellie and not fritter away the WHOLE DAY doing exactly what I want to do when I want to do it but…I don’t think so. It doesn’t feel like it.
She makes me laugh, she endures my constant ‘cuddle attacks’. She humors me while I try to teach her to read at 20 months. She gives me great joy, and I am SO grateful. And honored to be able to call her ‘my little girl’. And I’m humbled by the opportunity to be her teacher, her protector and her nurturer for the next 4 years until she goes to school. I wouldn't give that opportunity away to a stranger, ever. No. She’s MY gift. And my honor. And my sweet burden to bear, a burden as light as sunshine itself.
Ellie, I love you and I’m sorry in advance for all the rants you will hear. Some of them will be just. Some of them will be grossly unfair. But they’ll all be sincere.