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Sunday, May 01, 2016

Ebola, Toddlers, Texans

I have Ebola.  Or a cold, whatever.  I feel like I should be in a level 4 quarantine tent in a field somewhere.  So while my precious is sleeping and I am sneezing, here are a few quick points from my week.

You know you’re a mom of a toddler when:

* You find really clean macaroni in the washer.  (Must have missed one or two!)
* You find stuffed animals beside the eggs in the refrigerator.  (I don’t know why she did that)
  • You find one small pair of socks, size 2T, on every piece of furniture in the living room.  (I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know…)  At least three different days this week she stood on her tip-toes and took her socks out of her top drawer, then carefully placed one pair on each of the cushions of our chairs.
  • You wait all day for nap-time, then after a half hour start to get bored and wonder when she’ll wake up
  • Bedtime is 8:45pm sharp
  • You know all the words to ‘Goodnight Moon’ and ‘Kiss Goodnight’.
  • You talk to an adult who you aren’t married to and suddenly realize you don't have anything to say that isn’t toddler-related.  It’s ok to debate pros and cons of early potty training with someone who’s never had kids, right?
Jerry Seinfeld said it best:

"Having a two year old is like having a blender you don’t have a top for."

Yes, yes it is.

You know you’re in Texas when:

* You’re laying in the closet using a bathrobe for a pillow at 430am with your whole family and the dog because there’s a tornado warning.  (For the record Ellie thought it was the best thing ever.)
  • You go bowling for your husbands birthday (Happy Birthday Bill) and the chairs are covered in cow skin.  (FYI - it stinks.  Yes it does.)
  • You gather by the window to watch the torrential downpour and marvel at the speed in which your backyard becomes a pond.
  • You understand frogs get really excited when it rains this much and your backyard is a pond and that they are very, very, VERY loud.
  • Your friend found a snake on her patio but don’t worry it’s safe because it wasn’t poisonous and it just got a ‘little confused’ by all the rain flooding everywhere.
  • You find a new level of terror for your own personal well being when you hear your friends say things like, ‘Well we’re in Texas now, and everyone else has a gun so…maybe I need one too.’    And you know they’ll get one, but never practice or even look at it until someday maybe they need it and then they accidentally shoot their own family dog.  Or worse.
  • You sweat walking to your mailbox in April.
I’ll leave you with some pure Texan wisdom:

(Be careful) “This old crow has eaten enough field corn to know scarecrows sometimes carry shotguns….I've robbed enough nests to know you can't enjoy eggs if you're picking buckshot out of your behind.”

(That person be ooollldd.  Happy Birthday, Bill and dad!!  You're both really old, ha ha ha.)  “The Dead Sea wasn't even on the critical list when he was born.....He's living on borrowed time and three payments are past due”