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Friday, July 29, 2016

Standing Up to Worry

I'm learning how to stand up to that big 'ole bully, WORRY.

Just as I was getting ready for bed last night Bill comes around the corner and says, ‘Hey, there’s a message on the machine from some Doctor about results from a test?’ 

Unreasonably and immediately I am mad at him.  He had to tell me this NOW?  He couldn’t have waited until morning when I can DO something about it?

So I check and there is indeed a cryptic message about results from blood work on my phone.

About a million and one really scary scenarios all flew through my mind in, oh,  about the space of a 1.2 nanoseconds.  Old me would have worried all night.  Old me would have followed those terrible worries all the way through to their horrible conclusions and gotten no sleep at all.

NEW me took a minute to indulge in the scary possibilities, than shut it down.

You see, I come from a long line of maternal worriers.  My Grammie Orser was so well known for her worrying it was mentioned several times at her funeral.  How she would pace the floor at night, worrying and praying for her children.  My own mom is a recovering worry-wort, kind of like me.

It’s a struggle.

But I managed to push it aside because I knew there was nothing worrying would do right now, at 9pm at night.  And luckily Bill didn’t say…’Don’t worry.’  Which is like telling an obese person to just ‘lose weight.’  It’s a stupid thing to say and totally unhelpful.  I would have had to smuck him in the head with a dead fish.

Luckily he didn’t say that.  He made me laugh, which was nice.  And I got a good night’s sleep.

I’ve got a long list of reasons why THIS particular scenario is a big trigger for me.  Doctors.  Blood work.  Results.  For people who know my past they can easily imagine why this might usually send me spiraling off into some scary, dark unknown future.

Although this story is ongoing, the reality is almost never as scary as what we've imagined.  

it has something to do with my having an Anti-M antibody.  No one I’ve talked to has ever heard of this.  Apparently if my mom was the carrier (passing it to me in utero) everything is sunshine and roses.  If Bill is the carrier (passing it to me through…ah…marital relations….) everything MIGHT be sunshine and roses, or the baby might have something called hemolytic disease.   Basically, the baby could become anemic in the womb and need a transfusion of blood either in utero or at birth.

So.  We wait while Bill waits to have an appointment made to get his blood checked.

And while we wait I shall not worry. 

Instead, I will share this story and I’m sorry if you’ve heard it before. 

So, many of you know I meditate.  While we were trying to get pregnant I did this online guided visualization thing about imagining being pregnant, positive vibes, etc.  I was asked to also imagine the future baby giving me a message that would help me in my journey to become a mom again.  In this scenario, I imagined the word ‘strength’. 

That night Bill came home with one of those pink breast cancer bracelets that had the word….you guessed it, STRENGTH written in all caps.  "This is for you!"  he said.  And I said.  "Wow, is it EVER!"

Some of you cynics out there might dismiss this as coincidence.  I do not.  Especially now, after all the drama I’ve endured before even this latest experience.  (We had a close call where we thought the baby might have Down Syndrome a few months ago).

I think God knew I was going to need a reminder that I’m always cared for and supported.  To not be afraid because all I need to get through this is a little strength, and that strength will be given to me.  I have faith this is the message I was given, and I have faith that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.

So, at the risk of getting hit upside the head with a dead fish…I encourage us all to just…stop worrying already.  Let's all calm the heck down.  

"Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”  Erma Bombeck