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Thursday, July 21, 2016

The Pain and Magic of RIGHT NOW!

The bassinet arrived today from Amazon.  I bought some new born diapers.  I’m getting used to the kicking and jumping jacks on my spleen.  

I am settling in to the pregnancy.  My last pregnancy.  It should be easier, since it’s my last, to ignore the aches and pains, the heartburn, the annoying list of things I can and can’t eat or drink, or do.  It should be easy to ignore that stuff and focus on how amazing and miraculous it is that my body is nurturing and creating a HUMAN BEING!  It IS amazing.  

And yet…I still get lost in right now, petty annoyances like the frustration of my thwarted desire to chug a 24 ounce tub of Columbian coffee while I do Hot Yoga then go for a long bike ride to the airport where I scarf down sushi and hop a plane to go to Colorado to shred some powder.  In July.

Never mind I wouldn’t be doing those things even if I wasn’t pregnant right now.  It’s the fact I CAN’T that has me wanting so, so badly to do these things.  There’s nothing like the word ‘no’ to make you squirm suddenly with the desire to Yes, dammit!  

And, I probably worry too much.  I worry about Zika.  About pesticides on my apples.  About eating too many Tums.  About not getting enough exercise.  About getting too much exercise.  About being too hot.  About jiggling the baby loose if I move too fast or jump too high.  

Like when I was capturing Mr. roach on the ceiling last week.  Man they are unearthly fast.  He scuttled right over my head and I leapt to the floor with the quickness of a seasoned athlete.  

And then I thought, yikes, did baby bump his head?  Or her head?  I guess it’s pretty soft in there…still.  One worries.  And worries.  If YOU’RE worried about a happy ending to this roach hunt, Bill caught him and released him back into the wild.  (No, they don’t come back in).  They wipe the sweat from the beady little eyes and thank the stars they made it out alive.

Sometimes I let the joy of the moment get crowded out with the fear of all the things that could go wrong.  Or I end up focusing on the negative aspects of what is, really, the most amazing, sacred and absolutely beautiful experience I will ever have.  Aches and pains not withstanding.

So, I’m going to do my best to get over my whiny self and I’m going to let the magic of THIS moment enchant me.  

Just as I wrote that last line I looked up into the big brown eyes of our resident deer, his impressive rack of furry antlers tipping my way.   He raised his head and looked me right in the eye. RIGHT IN THE EYE.  Our eyes locked.  Sometimes I think God, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call it might be winking at me.  Like a gentle push back when I try to pull my best self out of the crummy, crappy, whiny, petty shell I usually keep her in.

Like, yep, you’re right Angela.  Give your head a shake.  There’s amazement and wonder and magic out here already.  All you have to do is stop and enjoy it.  

Dear old Al said it better than me:

“He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.”  Albert Einstein.