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Friday, October 14, 2016

Elections and Births, How Good Girls Go Bad, Why My Dog is Addicted to Drugs.

Four weeks to go.  FOUR.  I.  can.  do.  it!   Four more weeks until this magical, wonderful, sacred, miraculous experience is over.  Thank.  God.  

Yep, about 4 weeks left until the country finally picks between Trump and Hillary on November 8th.

Oh, and I’m having a baby a few days later too.  I may also be pushing Bill to move to Canada…we’ll see who wins Nov 8th.

Baby Update - He enjoys long walks in the womb and standing on my bladder.  He loves a good kick to the spleen and savors a good roundhouse-punch combo to the belly that makes me look like an extra on the movie Alien.

He’s over 5 pounds right now and it could still be a she.  We won’t find out until the election.  I mean, the BIRTH.  It is exciting isn’t it?

Ellie Update - When I dropped her off at ‘school’ this week she didn’t even look behind her.  I’m proud, relieved, and a little bereft at the same time.

Toby Update - Toby, my Xanax addicted Chihuahua mix has now added Benadryl to his nightly routine.  He is, in fact, allergic to his own fur.  We know this because he has kept his allergies from two different countries and three states.  Either he’s allergic to himself or me.  Maybe it’s Bill.

Angie Update - Between Toby’s scratching (I ran out of Benadryl) , Bill’s snores, my own heartburn/reflux plus joint pain and frequent needs to pee…I’m averaging about 3 hours sleep a night. 

As a result I am not my usual chipper self.  And by that I mean…the girl from that Exorcist movie saw me this morning and RAN THE OTHER WAY.  This is how good girls go bad.  Right here.  Eight months pregnant, no sleep, reaming out patience and love to a toddler all day until there is nothing left inside but the urge to eat tubs of ice cream in sweet, sweet silence.  And to pee. 

House Update - After a few months long (boring) saga where I tried to get a fence built but found I had to jump through hoops of fire (HOA) and fill out forms in triplicate and sweat blood and tears (HOA)…the fence people came and started today.  I am so excited to remove the chair and fence and barb wire I had to erect around my willow tree in the backyard.  At the risk of offending anyone who has ever lived in a ghetto...it looks pretty ghetto.  And now I’ll be able to plant things and THEY WON’T GET EATEN!  Also, no more worries about deer poop when Ellie totters around the yard half on her feet and half on her hands and feet. 

To sum up - When dealing with a dog who scratches a lot, don’t forget to take his squeaky toys out of his bed at night.  (Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak, SQUEEAAAK.   Squeak.  Squeak.)  When putting your toddler on potty in a brand new dress, don’t forget to make sure the back is up ABOVE the toilet.  When dealing with an HOA - it pays to remember they’re humorless and hate you on principle.