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Saturday, January 28, 2017

Best Laid Plans

Here we are at the start of another weekend and I just have to say…we got a big weekend planned.  PLANNED I say and we all know what life likes to do with plans.

Nonetheless we make them.  I planned on taking the kids to an Arbor Day fun day at the park in the Woodlands.  A trip to the library, and I need to clean and prepare my garden for the tomatoes, peppers, and peas I want to plant.  I can direct-sow watermelon right now too apparently.  But first I need to weed it, till it, lay some fertilizer and prepare the rows.  Not a quick 30 mins of work ahead of me.  The red ants have probably totally taken over.  

Bill gets to mow the lawn but maybe now that I’m not pregnant I can take the ride-on for a whirl. 

Anyway, there is something invigorating about working outside in the garden, a hold over from when I was a kid and loved to make mud pies.  I know it’s a common kind of magic but I do feel like a wizard when I plant these tiny seeds and weeks later green things grow, then actual fruit and vegetables that we can eat.  It.  Is.  Amazing.

A quick yoga class for me on Sunday and banishing Bill to the study to work on our taxes.  

Those WERE the plans.  Ellie woke up from her nap with a worse cough than when she went down so I have a feeling all our plans this weekend will need to be tweaked.

Yesterday Ben was in super-fussy baby mode and fed every two hours on the dot all day.  If he wasn’t eating or being held he was fussing.  At one point Ellie turned to me while he was crying and said…’Are you going to feed Ben now?’  because even at 2 years old she realized that was the ONLY TIME HE WASN’T CRYING!  Poor kid.  Both kids.  I bought Ellie some headphones so she can put them on and listen to her shows on her Kindle when Ben cries.  

Except she won’t wear them…well she will but she won’t plug them in!  I love that kid but she’s downright weird.    

Speaking of, Ellie starts her new ‘school’ next week.  We’re going from two hours Mondays and Wednesdays to 5 hours.  I’m going to be honest, I’m terrified.  I’m scared I’m going to scar her for life, that she’ll hate me for leaving her, and/or that she’ll get hurt while I’m not there.  (She’ll probably fall down from time to time).  Maybe someone will be mean to her!  (Some kid IS going to be mean to her…).

Deep down I know none of these things, even if they happen, will scar her for life.  I’m not even sure they’d be bad things.  I mean, they are, but, it’s in sorrow that my own character has solidified.  The back of my bone hardened through sadness.  It doesn’t make me a miserable person, it’s made me more compassionate.  Empathetic.  More human.

I know my job isn’t to protect her from all bad things ever.  But, I can’t help wanting to try!  At least for a little longer?  

The problem is, part of protecting her from bad things is to give her some space away from me.  She needs to learn the world is full of wonderful people who will care for her, too.  And I’m going to be in a better mood if I can get some rest now and then.  

I mean, when was the last time I was able to do more than just take care of her needs and be playful with her?  Just sit down and build something with her out of blocks, or have a picnic?  

Between taking care of Ben, cleaning and cooking there hasn’t been much time for fun with her.

I’m hoping this new school will help us both.  She gets to play and have fun and meet new friends and I get to do the housework and errands while she’s gone so when she’s here, I can focus on the whole reason for having kids…playtime!!

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”  Eleanor Roosevelt.  (Ellie's namesake!)