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Sunday, March 19, 2017

Parents Survival Guide 1.0

What to do when your morning starts and you’ve already been up for hours with a screaming, teething baby?

1) Hide in your room until your toddler starts scream crying.  Crying is ok.  Screaming is ok.  Once it hits scream-cry level though you better go throw some cheerios at her.  Or let Nana who’s visiting worry about it, whatever.                             

2) It’s ok to mix Prozac, Red Bull and melted chocolate chips you’ve culled form the couch cushions into your morning coffee to get you through the morning.

  1. TV may rot their brains but think of all the trauma you will avoid by not losing your sanity and going totally fruit loops on them.   
        1. Positive affirmations:
    Teething is temporary
     Sleeping is overrated
     Toddler tantrums will eventually go away, although they will be worse on the days you haven't slept more than 20 mins.
     There is Kindergarden
     There is wine

3) Don’t make any decisions right now.  They’re too hard.  Just wear pajamas to bed that will double as ‘going outside clothes’.  Bonus if they’re not crusty with spit-up and broken dreams.

4) If nana and papa are around, tell them you’re going to pee, sneak out the back door and then RUN LIKE HELL.  Come back a few hours later and pretend you thought they knew they were babysitting.

5) Sugar is back on the menu.

6) Dessert after breakfast is back on the menu

7) Ipad during breakfast is back on the menu

8) McDonalds is back on the menu

9) PBS is supposed to be watched for hours on end, if not someone would have told you.

10) Lastly but not leastly, don’t let them sense your wretched exhaustion.  They can smell weakness and will pounce on that like a lion one meal away from starvation.  Fake it.

There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep.”
Ralph Waldo Emmerson.