The morning was bright and hot, already 84F when I pulled open the door of my hotbox/car and slid into the seat. I smoothed out my black dress and glanced behind me. Two empty car seats. Trepidation. Elation. Guilt.
Where are my children you might ask?
They’re being cared for by the lovely people at the mommy’s day out program I signed them up for. BOTH. OF. THEM. For two days a week.
Except for one night while Bill’s sister was here, I haven’t had more than 3 hours to myself since before Ellie was born.
Ok before you start playing the violin for me let me correct that - I did start my Karma ‘shift’ at the yoga studio on Mothers Day so since middle of May I have had 3-4 hours to myself on a Sunday morning. Does it count when I’m ‘working’? Bill doesn’t think it counts as ‘alone time’ when he’s working but it is precious to me. Even more the better I’m busy-alone so I don’t miss them too much and I can truly enjoy feeling like ‘myself’ again after so many years.
Not to say I didn’t worry all morning, and call/text about 7 times that first day I left them in the care of really, strangers.
Not to say as I settled into the couch for a Netflix binge after a long hot (solitary!) shower I didn’t feel kind of adrift and purposeless.
And then I made another bowl of ice cream (because you can eat three bowls of ice cream in a row AND NOT SHARE IT when you’re alone!!) And I got over it. And I watched Django. With the volume on high. Because I can watch a movie like that when I’m alone. It was a nice change from “Olaf’s Frozen Adventures and My Little Pony.’
Some women have four or five children and stay home for decades and love it and will NOT feel like they’re going stark raving mad at the thought of just ONE more My Little Pony song.
Some women are like that. Yes. Yes they are. And I admire them. Much as I admire the nurses on the Oncology floor. Amazing, beautiful people whose inner fortitude leave me as deeply in awe as their motivations mystify me.
In any case, my children do not need me to be there every second of every day to know they are the most beloved beings in my Universe. This is an immutable fact of life. They know my heart is theirs, and everything I am is geared toward making their lives better.
Except for those few hours I’m home, eating ice cream by the carton and binging Netflix - filling the need in myself for raunchy humor, an epic battle scene, or a really bad B rated horror flick. And. Doing. Nothing. (But eating). Ahhhhh to put my feet up and LEAVE THEM THERE!
WOW guys! Just, WOW.
Ok but I do need a plan. I’m all for being lazy temporarily but it isn’t an ingredient for long-term happiness.
I’ve got lots I SHOULD do. Finally clean the house when there aren’t little adorable minions prancing behind me pulling everything onto the floor again.
Study for the GRE that I had to reschedule once already.
Finally follow up on the dentist/doctor appointments I’ve been putting off.
Work on fixing my book. Go to the gym. Volunteer somewhere. Clean up my neglected garden. Write a short story and submit it BEFORE the contest deadline runs out.
What would YOU do with a solid block of time two days a week all to yourself!?
“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Bertrand Russell